What if you aren’t good enough,

What if you are alone,

What if what you fear comes true,

What if….

When they come whisper in your ears…

slowly tearing apart words into tears…

just before you give in

Talk to them, in a voice they hear

I said, You said: what if?

I say: So what?

So what if the fear is real

if what I want is not what I get

So what?

So what?

Was I not taken care of when I was 2 months in my mother’s womb?

Was death not written for me even before that?

Was not Justice (a type we don’t understand) always in place?

So what?

So what if you deserve better? Who are you?

So what if you didn’t get what you want? Who are you?

So what if you are impoverished, on the floor, broken down? Who made you?

Who are you?

So, when they come whisper in your ears, before you shed any tears

Before you are devoured by your fears, say:

So what?

This life is temporary…I’m, for a short time, only here.

Time is not so lenient with us. It flies, and life and its course is unknown. Today it might be hard to get used to where I am, but nothing is permenant for sure.

We whisper unimaginable things about the goodness of people. I want to know why they are the way they are? Why they do this? Who got what? Who is doing what? Who does he hates so much, why? Who married who? Who is where? What happened? Why didn’t they do this?  It seems interesting, it seems flashy, it evokes emotions, some feel hatred, others defensiveness, some competition  and it encourages gossip.

There was a really interesting ad that was run on an Arab T.V. channel which showed a few women gathering and all of a sudden a women bringing out a piece of meat and everyone indulging in raw meat. I think it sent a very good message about our tongues and the harm they do.

Curiosity is not always a blessing. Trust me.

Never have I come across a more destructive tool than the tongue and what it can carry. The conscious effort required in keeping it positive, grateful and chaste is quite a task.

It takes a second to say the most evil and harmful of things and retreival is reversable. I pray for the courage to control my tongue and to be positive.

Two things shocked me recently about myself, how little I keep a hold of my tongue and how little a keep a hold on my diet. There are wise quotes about the one who remains silent and their salvation. It is easy to be silent always but harder to know when to speak and when to remain silent.

The strangest part is when one wrongs or harms someone with the tongue, the greatest harm is to themselves. There’s this energy that is generated that neither brings satisfaction nor comfort.

Qareen:

I recently took a Reiki class. It is a Japanese healing treatment and way to stay healthy. The lady explained to me the 7 layers of auras that we each have. For some, we have very short auras and for others they are up to 3 miles. She could apparently see people’s auras as well.  A woman asked her a question regarding dealing with negative auras and etc. She said that the best was to avoid the negative auras peacefully, unless there was something we could do to help them then it was our responsibility to do so. She said, however, she believed as Reiki master that there are some people with generally evil auras. I found that quite interesting. Another random, but interesting thing I found is that in mythology (islamic myth) there’s a thing called “Qureen” meaning a constant companion who if not guided by the human results in the person being shaytaan.

“The Qareen, being a jinn-type creature, if not guided by his human companion on the right path, becomes a shaytaan by the command of Allah SWT. Obviously, your companion will be what you are or more than what you are.

The description of Qareen seem to have striking resemblance to the Roman Genius (mythology)/Juno (mythology). And it is possible that the concept of Djinn/Genie also ties in from an etymological point of view.

The Qareen is believed by some people to represent the Evil of faith, a belief shared by Islam, Christianity and Judaism. The journey through life is influenced by the power struggles between the individual’s Qareen and his physical faculty of reasoning and religious guidelines mainly “right and wrong”. A constant fight succeeding in wise, ethical decisions, effect the conquer of the Qareen into docility. The physical faculty becomes the influencer and authority rather than being influenced. This stage is described as a powerful stage in spiritual development that reduces the difficulties of daily Qareen compulsion. The few individuals reaching this stage describe immense peace and tranquility in their lives.”

Friends:

I think there’s this Arabic phrase called, khafeef ad-dham, it means a person is easy going, smooth, laughs at themselves, funny and laid back. I really enjoy company of such people because I think if we can laugh at each other then there’s less time to point fingers at each other and harm them. We help each other, correct each other and respect each other.

If I gave you access to this blog, then trust me you are khafeef ad-dam and very much appreciated.

In high school, I used to just walk down our old (now it’s renovated) library and get a feel for the books. Sometimes I’d pick one out, read a bit and if I liked it I’d continue reading it. I liked the joy of picking out books in this manner, as a matter of chance. Nowadays, I find that I’m much pickier but I still enjoy spending time in aisles of books walking through them.

Yesterday, while I was walking I came across my favorite author, Somerset Maugham and I almost teared up to see my favorite book in the pile. I think I’ve never read a book where I felt so invested and felt intensely connected to the characters as much as I did with the characters in “Of Human Bondage.” I also happened to learn many valuable lessons from that book, like everything happens for a reason and so much of who we are comes from how we grow up.

Writing is such a beautiful gift. One can leave behind a book, fiction or non-fiction, where one pours one’s expertise, talents and experiences into writing it. Years after a person has long passed away, another person from a very different time, very different circumstances and very different tastes can find their works and form such strong connections with their story and their works.

I would love to write a book one day when I have a story worthy of telling and the right words to tell it. Two things helped me when I moved to the United States, writing and fine arts. Now, that I’ve returned back again, I think I need to explore these two outlets more to deal with some of the experiences I’ve had and am having.

I do not possess the talents that Maugham did and neither the artistic talents of Picasso or Van Gogh. I would prefer these methods than dishing out my negativity on other people and into my environment. I am taking positive steps to not be so negative. I signed up for a weekly yoga class and it helps when I go.

Here’s an excerpt from his book, The Razor’s Edge:

“For women and men are not only themselves; they are also the region in which they were born, the city apartment or the farm in which they learnt to walk, the games they played as children, the old wives’ tales they overheard, the food they ate, the schools they attended, the sports they followed, the poets they read, and the God they believed in. It is all these things that have made them what they are, and these are the things you can’t come to know by hearsay, you can only know them if you have lived them. You can only know them if you are them.

( He later implies you can learn about people through observations).”

Alhamdulilah. Indeed, all praise is due to Allaah. We praise Him and seek His help and forgiveness. We seek refuge in Allaah from our souls’ evil and our wrong doings. He whom Allaah guides, no one can misguide; and he whom He misguides, no one can guide. I bear witness that there is no (true) God except Allaah – alone without a partner, and I bear witness that Muhammad (peace be upon him) is His ‘Abd (servant) and messenger

A. Some Consequences Of The Breaking Ties With Relatives:

1. Will Not Be Forgiven

It was narrated from Aboo Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said, “The gates of Paradise are opened on Mondays and Thursdays, and every slave (of Allaah) who does not associate any partners with Allaah is forgiven, except a man between whom and his brother there is some grudge. It is said, ‘Wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile, wait for these two until they reconcile.’”[1]

2. Deprived from Allaah’s Help and Mercy

‘Abdur – Rahmaan bin ‘Awf (may Allaah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said, “Allaah, Most High, said: ‘I am Ar – Rahmaan, and this is Ar – Rahim (the womb, or the bonds of kinship). I have extracted for it a name from My Names. I will bond with those who nurture it, and break away from those who severe it.”[2]

Haafiz Aboo Taahir Zubayr ‘Alee Za’i classed this Hadeeth as Saheeh and said, “Allaah will deprive His closeness and mercy from anyone who severs relations from his kith and kin and tramples their rights. Sadly enough, we see everywhere that Muslims, by and large, are systematically neglecting their Prophet’s (peace be upon him) teachings pertaining to their obligations towards close relations.”

3. Will Not Enter Paradise

It was reported from Muhammad bin Jubair bin Mut’im, from his father, conveying that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “One who cuts off the ties of kinship will not enter Paradise.”[3]

Haafiz Aboo Taahir Zubayr ‘Alee Za’i classed this Hadeeth as Saheeh and said, “Severing the ties of womb (kinship) is such a grievous wrong that taken singly, it has the potential to deprive a person of the right to enter Paradise. However, if there are other extenuating circumstances, such as good number of meritorious deeds to compensate for this sin, conditions might change for the person concerned.”

4. Cursed By Allaah

It was narrated from Aboo Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him): The Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said, “Allaah created the creation, and when He finished, Ar – Rahm (the womb; kinship) stood up and said, ‘I seek refuge from those who serve the ties of kith and kin.’ Allaah said, ‘Yes, would it please you if I were to take care of those who take care of you and cut off those who cut you off?’ It said, ‘Of course’. Allaah said, ‘Then your prayer is granted.’”

Then the Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him) said, “Recite, if you wish, ‘Would you then, if you were given the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship? Such are they whom Allaah has cursed, so that He has made them deaf and blinded their sight. Do they not then think deeply in the Qur’aan, or are their hearts locked up (from understanding it)?’[4]“[5]

B. How To Deal With Hurtful Relatives

It was narrated from Aboo Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that a man said, “O Messenger of Allaah (peace be upon him), I have relatives whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.” He (peace be upon him) said, “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. Allaah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.”[6]

And It is Only Allaah Who grants success. May Allaah Exalt the mention of His slave and Messenger Muhammad (peace be upon him), and render him, his household and companion safe from Evil.

[1] Saheeh Muslim, Volume 6, Book 45, Hadeeth Number 2,565, p. 433, Darussalam Publishers, [English Translation], 2007.

[2] Sunan Aboo Daawood, Volume 2, Book 9, Hadeeth Number 1,694, p. 317, Darussalam Publishers, [English Translation], 2008; Jaami’ at – Tirmithee, Volume 4, Book 25, Hadeeth Number 1,907, p. 29 – 30, Darussalam Publishers, [English Translation], 2007.

[3] Saheeh Muslim, Volume 6, Book 45, Hadeeth Number 2,556, p. 425; Sunan Aboo Daawood, Volume 2, Book 9, Hadeeth Number 1,696, p. 318; Jaami’ at – Tirmithee, Volume 4, Book 25, Hadeeth Number 1,909, p. 31.

[4] The Noble Qur’aan, Soorah Muhammad 47:22 – 24.

[5] Saheeh Muslim, Volume 6, Book 45, Hadeeth Number 2,554, p. 424.

[6] Saheeh Muslim, Volume 6, Book 45, Hadeeth Number 2,558, p. 426.

I believe I’m on step three which includes frustrations, loneliness, a bit of depression, feeling stuck, etc. (This does really explain why I’m writing again and am sensitive about certain things)

I found this site, they have some good things to say on the topic:

http://www.studentsabroad.com/reentrycultureshock.html

(letter in case you want to read them) His post on Arabic Nights made me miss a class I took at Tufts and despite everything I can’t forget some of the stories from it.

I do not even know if these places exist. Yet, in my mind (what I do retain from these dreams) and in my actual dreams there is no doubt about their existance and how they make me feel.

Last night, I cannot describe the journey I was on. I was traveling in a carriage and the scenary around me was out of this world. I was with two people, a guy friend and a female friend. The guy friend was taking us to his home town. The feeling I got was that it was somewhere in Romania or some Eastern European place. It was spring time. He took me to the place where the town was located. The house were more like long boxes, shapes of trailers. Some houses had their bathrooms as the first thing you saw when you entered, then their rooms, and kitchen. My friend explained how everyone was very individualistic in building their houses. When his family moved into this town, ( I got a feeling that they had been forced to move from where they were earlier), there were very few houses and nobody had any guidelines and everyone went about their own way building their houses. My friend’s house was very small, width wise, and there were two rooms, a bathroom and a kitchen. It was neat, and I got the feeling his place was more decently put than his neighbour (whose toilet was the first thing I saw when I saw their house).

* This dream now that i’m analysing it reminded me of 100 years of solitude a bit.

Then the scene changes. We go sight seeking around the area. There’s ruins, a lot of them, almost Greek like. I don’t know but during this whole dream I seem to be very mesmerized by my friend. I can’t really describe the ruins but they are surrounded by people who are local. My friend enters the site and my other friend (female) and I enter the site and we are stopped by the gaurds (presumably because we are foreigners and this country looks down about foreigner femals as their only reputation is that they are loose women). A woman comes to see if I’m tickelish and I am. I start giggling and at the same time I’m upset and insulted. My other female friend by now is flirting with the other guard (who is male) and they let us go. I am very upset that they have treated us this way and thought of us in such a way.

Despite that, I wait to see where my friend was? But as soon as I enter the ruins, I’m calm. I forget to mention my complaints when I see my friend, I seem to be so absorbed in the conversations that I can’t even remember them. I just remember really liking my friend and the fact that we couldn’t stop discussing and having conversations.

Then, the scene changes again and I turn to my friend, during a political conversation we are having about the country and its history and say it’s dark now. We were supposed to leave earlier. He turns to me say, so are you saying we should put our political discussions aside for now. We decide to all return to the town and leave early morning.

I haven’t had a feeling like that for anyone in my life. Where I felt that we were almost inseperable, so into each other and on the same wavelength and I don’t know even who this person is.

—————-

Side Note: I read this Arabic proverb online:

Conversation is like making love; the man is the question, the woman the answer, and the union of both will bear fruit. 
Arabian Proverb ( – )

I say names speak more than we give them credit for, maybe not on behalf of the object of the name but the one who grants it that name. What my name is says more about the people who named me than me. Yet, it influences me and who I am in certain ways, especially when introduced to strangers. So, the rebellious thing would be to rename myself, to recreate my nature, and my identity. The name change would not make a drastic difference because my soul remains hidden behind words, no matter what the name. Therefore, I chose to write under the name of Kunza which means hidden treasure.